found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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