good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I am midnight drunk by noon
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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