There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
