Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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