Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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