He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
