god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
