She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Let's get the cat blown out
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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