My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Be still, my beating vagina.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
