Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
