I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
