she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
