I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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