New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
