"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
