This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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