How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
