What a fucking waste of an outfit
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
