I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
