It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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