so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
