I'm jealous of your bromance
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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