They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
