Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
