Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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