I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
