Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
