Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
