This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
she smelled like a LAN party
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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