Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
