Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
