He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
