Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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