he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
