haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
