Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
