I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
