I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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