You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
