I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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