I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
