I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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