What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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