My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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