I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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