Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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