I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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