I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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