My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
