Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
